A Year Ago Today, I Was Chased Out of My Place of Worship…
A year ago today, I was chased out of my place of worship. My husband had been excommunicated during a secret meeting the day before – a meeting I was specifically excluded from. I came to say goodbye to my friends, as we would not be returning to that building. I also attended to fulfill my final commitment to worship the literal Hell out of that place.
An elder of the church had stewed for an hour on something my 12-year old said to him on his way in. Stewed. Never mind that worship was happening in the room a door away. This individual, a leader of the church, hardly attended the worship service anyway. It was more important to him to guard the doors like a bouncer. The slogan of the church reads “Lost Found. Broken Restored.” The lost are welcome…but not if you’re too lost. Come if you’re broken. But only if you hide it really well.
My prepubescent boy approached him that morning and said, “Maybe you should re-think your slogan,” and he returned a beanie that had those words monogrammed on it.
Not only did this elder of the church stew and allow anger and vengeance to boil inside him, he called my husband to leave a threatening, “let’s fight” voicemail on his phone. But that didn’t satisfy his anger. He waited, like a prowling lion, until I exited the worship center, to pounce.
I left the worship center with a friend, on a mission to return something to her from my car and come back to the building to fulfill my volunteer commitment of greeting.
This angry man, this elder of the church, aggressively strode toward me and with his finger in my face said, “I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.” I simply replied, “No thank you, not right now,” and proceeded into the foyer to exit for my car. His anger propelled him forward and he placed his hand heavily on my bony shoulder, spun me around and got in my face again. I repeated, “I said I am not going to speak with you right now.” I step back. He steps forward, saying “You need to get control of your family.” Throughout this exchange, I repeat my request for him to get out of my face, leave me alone, do not touch me. His finger was inches from my nose, his breath on my face. Another male security team member flanks him to support him. I now have a very tall, 200+ lbs man hovering over me as the 2 intimidate and verbally assault me. It was unreal. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I had to duck around one of them quickly to ask a friend for help. Another friend noticed what was happening and quickly grabbed me to get me out of the building.
What just happened? Really. What WAS THAT?
Conviction can feel like a personal attack when you love your sin more than your Savior. God used my abuse and my pain to expose this man’s heart. I write this today to expose the story. Not for my sake, but for the sake of the Church (aka Body of Christ) and the Kingdom the Church represents.
““When hurtful words and actions are exposed as unacceptable and viewed as intolerable, the foundation is laid for change to occur.” ”
I was chased out of my spiritual home that day. I was not pursued by ANY of the elders of the church. No church leader called to ask if I was ok. In fact, the next day, more elders became belligerent with my husband and defended my attacker’s actions. Another one sought people out to ask them to watch the surveillance video to show how it “wasn’t that bad.” This attack led to trauma reactions for me. I collapsed on the floor. I shook. I cried. I did not feel safe going to the grocery store in my own town. I considered carrying a gun. Still today, my heart stops and my breath escapes me if I think I catch a glimpse of this man out and about. Tears flow effortlessly in response to those triggers.
In the words of Martin Luther King Jr., “To ignore evil is to become accomplice to it.”
Don’t look away.
Why do I think that the patriarchy structure upheld by churches and church associations is so dangerous? Aside from the fact that Jesus came to undo all of the patriarchal oppression that existed at the time (Gal. 3:28, Acts 2:17-18), I speak up because of stories like mine. These men ignored me in previous meetings, excluded me from the secret one during which they excommunicated our family, and escalated to overtly abusing me in a public setting. The body of Christ was never meant to look like this. I will not stop loving the church. Therefore, I will not stop calling out the harm that is perpetuated in her midst.
“I will not stop loving the church. Therefore, I will not stop calling out the harm that is perpetuated in her midst.”
One of my friends and advocates during these moments entered a meeting with the men who participated in my abuse and she came out, in my interpretation, manipulated, poisoned, and blind. She wrote to tell me to forgive. To let go of my anger if I was going to ever experience restoration or reconciliation.
I honestly didn’t know how to respond at first. I certainly did not want to come across as prideful or resistant of correction. It did not sit right with me, however. The truth about what happened throughout the past 2 months did not warrant the instructions and cautions given in this letter. Not to mention, the letter came 4 days after I was assaulted. I realized later that I experienced further victimization through that person’s words.
It communicated to me that the spiritual leaders of the church can get away with abuse of their sister without consequences, without acceptance of responsibility for their actions, without repentance, and without being called out in public for correction (the offense was very public). Yet, somehow, there was NO hesitation to “instruct and counsel” the victim to forgive. As I have processed more about my treatment in that place, I realized I was the recipient of a gaslighting strategy called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. My experience that day was downplayed and brushed off (denied). The attack actually continued as those in charge spread their own version of the story and maligned my character. I was attacked with the mandate to forgive and blamed for being a barrier to reconciliation. I was a victim of a series of events that had transpired over the previous months and then suddenly named offender. I was the enemy for calling out the abuse, injustice, and deceit I saw seething from the leadership.
We have to stop it. Please, speak up when you see injustice. Do not be persuaded to stay silent (Eph. 5:13-14). Speaking against evil DOES NOT equal unforgiveness. Doesn’t God do both? Anger about injustice and forgiveness can and do coexist. Being angry about the mistreatment and oppression of others and CALLING IT OUT is actually an expression of love and compassion. You are not responsible for controlling the victim’s reactions. You are responsible to love the oppressed. To defend the cause of the poor and needy (Isa 1:17, Zech. 7:10, Micah 6:8). To admonish one another in love (Eph 5:15-20). To bring darkness to light and to live as children of the light (Eph. 5:8). Let’s do better, church.
““In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears. Then the earth reeled and rocked; the foundations also of the mountains trembled and quaked, because he was angry.” ”
